The Lost Letter of King George III

Being influenced by A.P. U.S. History, I decided to write a letter describing a crucial moment in American History through the eyes of King George III of England. I tried to sound a bit more old-fashioned than I usually am; and a bit more humorish. Hope you guys like it! :

*Historians have found private letters written by King George III during the American Revolution:

December 16^th, 1773

        Oh, those horrid Americans! What poor subjects they make for a fine King such as me. After all that I and my forefathers have done to protect them in their new world; after all that I’ve done to increase their prosperity; after all that I’ve done to better advance them towards English civilization and culture- this is how they repay me?!  By dumping all of England’s precious tea into the Boston Harbour??!!! Tea is meant to be drunk; not meant to be thrown over like used toilet paper!  I can’t fathom their nerve! All that I’ve done is impose a few taxes that ALL British subjects, both in England and abroad, have to pay; and it’s not like it’s anything new… most of the taxes that I now enforce are centuries old! And even back then they resisted to follow with standard British trade regulations and customs. And these wretched fiends should be thankful that the East India Trading Company decided to lower the price of tea.  But now, things are getting worse. They’re now tarring-and-feathering my poor tax-collectors! God’s wounds, that’s a punishment to be endured…. to have hot tar bathe your skin and have feathers stick to your skin like pricky needles. Also, they’re starting to send in petty petitions to me requesting that I repeal the taxes; hah! I would’ve half considered them had they known how to write properly like proper Englishmen! For their blatant display of insolence and rebellion, the Boston Port is to be hitherfore closed until further notice, and Boston is now to be garrisoned by British troops, and under the command of General Gage. That should quell their rebellious spirit for some time. And If I weren’t such a good King, I’d say that they’ll soon declare Independence and cut off all ties from Britian.. hah… but they won’t do that…will they?

July 4^th, 1776: 

 Holy Mother and Child! Those American twits finally did what I feared the most; declaring independence! My courtiers ran in with a piece of parchment written in fine-ink named “The Declaration of Independence”; signed by all the moronic heads of their so called “Continental Congress”. But I say, what neat penmanship! The words used in this document implies that there are at least some learned men among those uncultured heathens. But are they stark-raving mad?! Do they really believe that they have the slightest chance of surviving on their own? Without Britian’s aid and my rule to guide them? Bah!.. and to think that they’re requesting the aid of France in their struggle. Oh, the French; those pompous, makeup-wearing, mustache twirling, snail eaters! To think that I’m at war with them, and now have to deal with petty rebels at the same time. For this vile act of betrayal, I’m sending all domestic forces to the New World immediately to crush this petty resistance; that’ll make them rue the day they chose to stand up against Britain. And as for the French, I shall see to it that are defeated once more; and- - ooh, time for tea and crumpets!

* Letter ends here. No further entries are listed; historians can only assume for certian that King George had a wonderful time sipping tea and eating crumpets.